West Midlands mental patient drops showbiz bombshell
I’VE BEDDED THE TV PUPPETS!
Seedy sex lives of the children’s telly favourites
A 52-year-old out-patient at a West Midlands psychiatric hospital has spilled the beans on her steamy affairs with the saucy stars of the TV puppet shows.
For the last 25 years Dulcie Bagshaw claims to have lived a sordid life as a TV puppet groupie, jumping in and out of bed with some of the biggest names in children’s television.
Here, for the first time, she blows the lid clean off the horny, porny puppets who millions of innocent kids watch on TV every day.
“Kids love TV shows like Rainbow, The Wombles and Bill & Ben. But if their parents could see what I have seen, they’d switch off in disgust.
My first experience with a TV puppet came when I was only 14. I had been to the theatre to watch a stage version of The Sooty Show. Afterwards a group of us went backstage to get autographs. Somehow I ended up alone in Sooty’s dressing room.
Sooty offered me a drink. I don’t know what it was, but I was soon feeling dizzy. The next thing I knew Sooty was standing naked in front of me, holding his magic wand. I’ll never forget the words he spoke. “Izzy wizzy, let’s get busy.”
That evening I had gone to see the Sooty show as a child. But when I awoke the next morning in Sooty’s hotel room, I was a woman. I had bitten the forbidden fruit of sex with TV puppets, and now I wanted more. Over the next ten years I must have slept with over a hundred TV puppets. I wasn’t fussy. Life became one long party, an endless whirl of late nights, drink and TV puppets.
You name them, I slept with them. Bill and Ben, The Woodentops, The Clangers, Orville the Duck, Joe 90. The list is endless. TV puppets came and went. The affairs were purely physical, strictly no strings attached. Until the day I met Basil Brush.
Basil was a joy to be with. He used to love to fondle my “bum bum” as he called it, and he couldn’t keep his foxy fingers off my brush. But he soon became obsessed with me, and even began following me around.
In the end we had a dreadful scene in a restaurant. I remember he was sitting on the bar. He was screaming and shouting, and he’d even threatened to kill himself if I didn’t come back to him. Eventually Rodney Bewes arrived and took him home. I never saw Basil again after that.
I was sad to see the end of Rainbow. That show meant a lot to me. More than you could imagine. For I had got to know Bungle, Zippy and George intimately during a long and torrid affair which had lasted many years. I loved all three of them – on one occasion all at once.
It was a hot and sticky summer’s evening, but I had no idea just how hot and sticky I was going to get as I made my way to the Rainbow dressing room at the BBC Television Centre in West London. I’d been invited back for drinks with the Rainbow puppets after a chance meeting with Zippy in a cocktail bar. When I arrived I could tell straight away that all three TV puppets had already had quite a lot to drink.
I was feeling hot and horny so I stripped off down to my bra and knickers and stretched out on the settee. Next thing I knew Zippy had undone his zip and was licking his lips. Bungle and George needed no more encouragement and soon both were as naked as I was.
Before long Zippy and George were fondling my heaving breasts while Bungle the bear took me roughly from behind. I climaxed again and again until I almost passed out. Then Zippy took over while George, the pink hippopotamus, paid special attention to my love buttons. Just when I thought I could come no more, Zippy exploded inside of me, taking me to heights of ecstasy that before I had only ever dreamed of.
I had never really paid any attention to Ray Allan’s puppet Lord Charles. He didn’t strike me as being my type. Until one day we met in the lift at Thames TV. Ray was afraid of lifts, so he took the stairs up to the top floor.
As the doors of the lift slid closed I found myself alone with Lord Charles. What happened next took me by surprise. As the lift began to move, Lord Charles suddenly pressed the ‘stop’ button, and it shuddered to a halt, throwing me into his arms.
A strange force seemed to draw our lips together, and as we kissed passionately I felt a small wooden hand slip into my blouse and expertly undo my bra, which slid down around my ankles.
I could feel that Lord Charles was already aroused. His bulging manhood was practically bursting out of his small, pinstriped trousers. I struggled frantically to release it, until suddenly it sprang forth, like a coiled python.
It was that enormous I almost passed out. It was the biggest wooden penis I had ever seen. I simply had to have it inside me. I was already sopping wet as, with one powerful stroke of his ‘silly arse,’ he forced it into me. My earth shattering climax was over in seconds, ecstasy exploding through my veins.
That day Lord Charles and I abandoned ourselves to sexual lust, pure and simple. Neither of us said a word. Neither of us have spoken about it since, and neither of us ever will.
There was one sexual conquest that I never achieved. I had already slept with four of the five Tracey brothers out of Thunderbirds. And their equipment had been just as impressive as anything that they used on their International Rescue missions, I can tell you! But there was one Tracey brother who had always eluded my grasp.
I began to wonder whether I was losing my touch, until one night I was staying on Tracey Island when I heard the sound of laughter and splashing coming from the swimming pool. I crept out, and there in the moonlight was my unconquered Thunderbird pilot, wrapped in a tender embrace... with Brains!
I’m not prepared to name that puppet, suffice to say that the only ‘bird’ he had eyes for was Thunderbird 4.
Mind you, I have nothing against gay TV puppets. In fact, one of my most fulfilling sexual experiences took place with a female puppet – Lady Penelope.
She had offered me a lift into town in her big, pink car. As we were driving along Parker pressed a button and curtains automatically closed around the windows. We were alone. Suddenly Lady. Penelope dabbed her stiff, plastic hand on my thigh.
At first I was repulsed. This was a woman TV puppet touching me. But slowly my fear began to subside, and waves of pleasure began to wash over me. Penelope’s plastic fingers began to awaken in me feelings that I didn’t know were there. It was my first time with a woman TV puppet, but Lady Penelope was able to pleasure me in a way that only a woman could.
I had always fancied Thomas the Tank Engine, but I had never dreamt that I might one day get the opportunity to sleep with him. That was until I met the Fat Controller at a TV puppet party to celebrate Lamb Chop’s birthday. The Fat Controller invited me to come and visit Thomas and his friends on the Island of Sodor. I didn’t need asking twice!
When I first met Thomas he was shy, not at all like I’d expected him to be. One day he’d been shunting trucks at the big station when he asked me if I wanted to come for a ride along his branch line. I was up in his cab like a shot!
After a few miles he stopped in a siding and we began to chat. Eventually the subject got on to sex, and to my surprise Thomas admitted to me that he had never been with a woman before.
I took this as my signal to pull off, and slowly began to slide down his zip and gently slip off his jeans. He was already aroused. I have never seen such a magnificent train’s cock. I almost passed out. It was easily eleven inches in length, and my fingers could barely touch around its massive girth.
We made passionate love for what seemed like an eternity. Thomas puffed and panted and blew his whistle as he shunted his load in and out of my love tunnel. Then suddenly I became aware of somebody watching us.
Sure enough, I looked up to see Gordon, Edward and James the red engine had stopped nearby and were watching us. That turned me on even more. I beckoned them over and invited them to join in. They didn’t need asking twice, I can tell you.
I must have passed out, but the next thing I remember was waking up to see Thomas, Gordon, Henry and James all pulling the biggest train you have ever seen.
I lost count of the number of orgasms I had as the TV puppet railway engines continued to take me in turn for what seemed like an eternity. Then the helicopter joined in.
I must have passed out again, because when I awoke I was in a mental hospital, with electrodes on my head.
Next week: How I fell pregnant to Noggin the Nag, and the Clangers give me my first weightless orgasm in space. And Great Uncle Bulgaria gives me one up the shitter.
From Viz, issue 58, February/March 1993.