With regard to your bird-pulling special issue, I have a tale that might be of interest to your readers.

My bird thought I was nuts, because every time a Chosen One came on TV I would instinctively leap up and shout “He’s a Jew.” This is something I have always done and probably always will. We used to go to her parents each Sunday for dinner or a barbecue, but naturally I could not help declaring “Jew” in their house either, if the TV was on. One Sunday afternoon that film The Vikings was on, featuring Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis as ‘Vikings.’ I kept on remarking “Jew” whenever one of them appeared on screen, until her stupid mother says “So what if they are?”

Well you can imagine, I erupted and put her mum straight on a few matters and well and truly put her in her place. My bird got the incredibly bad needle at this, and then her dad came bowling over with their German Shepherd and told me to leave, threatening to set the dog on me. The thing is, the dog likes me and just wagged its tail. But her old man really got trappy, and I really wanted to fill him in, but he’s in his fifties, so instead I went out to the garden and stuck the nut on her brother (a 24-year-old leftie student) who was doing the barbecue.

He went on the deck and began crawling around on all fours as I booted him up the arse. Then I started shouting “Squeal little piggy, squeal!” to him, like on that Deliverance film, as I began squirting barbecue lighter fuel on him. I had no intention of setting the muppet alight, plus there were witnesses about, but when I got arrested they threw an attempted murder charge on me, which got lowered to a lesser charge later, but along with this I had two other charges put on me, and have a year left to serve of a four-year sentence. In my view it just isn’t worth having a bird unless she is 100% to our way of thinking. Look at the trouble it caused me.

A. Prisoner