What happens when two sexually frustrated blonde sixth form nymphettes find themselves alone in the dormitory on a hot summer’s night with just a selection of sex toys to keep them company? We don’t know, and you won’t find out from this video starring a couple of bored looking 48 year-old slappers in wigs. Half-heartedly dressed as sixth form schoolgirls, they quickly get down to business on a bunk bed in the back of a warehouse in Peckham, disinterestedly rubbing each others’ tits for eight minutes to a soundtrack of mains humming. And that’s it. Price £27.95.

Big John is a plumber who is called out by a horny 36DD housewife to change the washer on her tap. When that job is done, she gives him another – a blow job! And she finds out he’s got a 10 inch tool in his overalls. You really have to see it to believe it. However, you don’t see it, just six minutes of the back of her head moving up and down intercut with close-ups of him screwing his face up. We guarantee you will be shocked by how much you have paid for this truly shit film. Price £27.95.

WARNING!

These videos are very unfulfilling, and we urge anyone who is easily disappointed not to buy them. They depict tame SEXUAL ACTS, in some cases of a blurred or wobbly nature that many viewers may find risible. It is not our intention to AROUSE or EXCITE the viewer, merely to mislead them in PARTING with their HARD earned cash without BREAKING THE LAW and indeed embarrass them into not asking for their MONEY BACK.

Cindy Smallpiece, a 38DD sex mad red-head just loves to dress up. She finds putting on her black fishnet stockings, split crotch panties and black stilettoes a real turn-on... but not as big a turn-on as taking them off! However, despite featuring heavily on the packaging, she’s not actually in the video, which features a stripper with flu from Stoke Newington hurriedly taking her clothes off in the back of a warehouse in Clapham in return for fifty quid cash. With wow and flutter soundtrack of cheesy music from a battery operated cassette recorder, this will be one of the least erotic experiences of your life. Price £27.95.

When four well hung studs meet four big titted chicks, the permutations are incalculable. It’s everyone’s ultimate fantasy, as the guys and girls do it in every possible (and some impossible!) position including sandwich, ‘A’ and ‘O.’ This is the hardest film we’ve ever seen, but due to heavy re-editing for legal reasons, it’s unlikely to be the hardest you’ve ever seen. Shot in the seventies on super 8 and recently transferred to video by projecting it onto a warehouse door, the whole sorry four minutes is accompanied by the sound of the projector turning over and somebody reversing a van outside. Just as something vaguely sexy starts to happen, the film sticks and melts before your very eyes. Deeply dreadful. Price £27.95.

With every order we receive, we’ll send you, absolutely FREE a quality love doll. Always willing and always available, these sex dolls will fulfil your every need, providing you’re turned on by orange paddling pool vinyl and that you’re not too dizzy after twenty minutes blowing it up. Well stacked with tits that look and feel like the half footballs that they are and equipped with 3 (yes 3!) inviting orifices, each with a razor sharp welded plastic seam guaranteed to cut your old man to ribbons in the unlikely event that you get aroused enough to try and shag it.

Buy ALL 4 videos, and receive the deluxe model with vaginal vibral unit plus vibrating throb control mouth, which will do nothing for you but will certainly affect next door’s television reception, leaving them in no doubt as to what you’re up to. Requires 24 AA batteries (not supplied).

Yes! I want you to have my home address and credit card details. Please send me the following videos.

If I’m not completely satisfied, and I won’t be, I can return the videos for you to sell to some other poor sod with full nuts. I will receive a cheque for the full amount drawn on the account of Randy Bollocks Porn Products with pictures of dildos drawn on it and the words ‘Porn Video Refund’ written on in big letters, which I will not dare take into my bank. I accept that this is my own fault.

Send to: Randy Bollocks Porn Products, PO Box 1, Peckham.