WHITE WOMEN

First date – You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date – You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date – You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN

First Date – You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date – You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary – You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date – You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date – You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date – You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary – You already have five kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary – You find yourself a girlfriend.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date – Meet her parents.
Second date – Set the date of the wedding.
Third date – Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date – You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date – You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date – You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date – She’s pregnant by someone other than you. You get AIDS.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date – You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date – She’s pregnant.
Third Date – She moves in. One week later her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

RACISM among Irish toddlers will be tackled at a conference for childcare providers in Dublin later this month.

International research shows that children can form prejudices against other races even as babies and pre-schoolers. Workers in creches and childcare facilities will be shown how games and activities can prevent such discrimination forming.

The anti-racism initiative is being organised by childcare committees in south Dublin and Fingal who hope it will provide a blueprint for child carers across the country.

Julia Hackett, a co-ordinator on the south Dublin committee, says it is important for children to acknowledge the differences between people at an early age and learn to accept them.

“Children from a very early age acknowledge the difference between people. We want to bring together the childcare professionals that are working on the ground to develop practical anti-bias approaches that are active, indeed activist, so that we can challenge prejudice, stereotyping and bias,” she said. “Childcare professionals want activities for the children to encourage them to feel comfortable with the differences and similarities between themselves and others.

“By listening to the professionals we will be able to find the best way to integrate these activities and plans into the existing curriculum rather than just having them as an add-on.”

Hackett says the group hopes to be able to provide guidelines to childcare facilities about the inclusion of different nationalities – including providing halal meat on menus.

The conference will be opened by Brian Lenihan, the minister for children, on Saturday. A special report looking at barriers to accessing childcare for lone parents, parents of children with special needs, travellers, asylum seekers and refugees will also be launched.

The research carried out by Fingal County Childcare Committee is expected to show how difficult marginalised groups find it to get their children into pre-school childcare.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS AND STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

An African healer yesterday admitted killing his British wife weeks after she took him to live with her in Devon.

Hibiekoun Hien, 53, from Burkina Faso, west Africa, admitted killing Linda MacDonald, also 53, at her terrace home in the Dartmoor town of Buckfastleigh, where the couple had set up an African healing centre.

Hien, who cannot speak English, denied murder but admitted manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility. The prosecution at Exeter Crown Court accepted the plea.

Through an interpreter, Hien said: “I did not want to kill her. I hit her but I did not know what was in my head.”

The court heard that he was so disorientated by moving to a country where he knew nobody and could not speak the language that he became mentally ill.

He could communicate with his wife only through sign language and a few words.

The couple met two years ago in Burkino Faso, a former French colony, when Miss MacDonald was travelling in west Africa. Hien was an elder in the village of Dano and people visited his compound for divinations and healing.

Miss MacDonald had worked with healers and teachers from around the world and ran a healing practice. She had gone to Africa for what she described as “part of her own healing journey.”

She fought for months to have Hien join her in England and married him in Africa to make it possible.

They had been in Devon for only a few weeks when Miss MacDonald died of head and face injuries after an argument on Oct 20 last year.

Friends said the couple had “seemed fine together” and appeared “very much in love.” They described Hien as “withdrawn.”

Miss MacDonald had written an account of her relationship with Hien in an alternative magazine, saying: “I sometimes find it hard to comprehend the huge changes that have happened in my life as a result of the deep initiation processes I have experienced while in Africa. The training I am receiving in the village is with an enormously respected elder, diviner and healer shaman in the Dagara tradition. He is Hibiekoun Hien, whose gifts were recognised by diviners when he was a child.

“He had been waiting for me. It was foretold that a woman would come from the West who had been born with the same gifts, abilities and spirit helpers as him.

“Through divination it was revealed that I was this person and he is now teaching me most of what he knows so that we are able to work together in partnership. It is not surprising that we also deeply love each other.”

Sentence was adjourned until next month while the possibility of Hien’s deportation is investigated.

Further details of the killing will be disclosed at the resumed hearing.

A woman was out walking through a wood one day when she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten.”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM! She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM! She’s the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story – Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Attention male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story – Women are really dumb when they think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS. If you’re a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen.